Golfers are often serious out on the course. We want to play our best and can get frustrated when we don’t.
You likely know how it feels to be playing well only for a disastrous hole to destroy your round. It happens to all of us at some stage.
Sometimes the best cure for the golfing blues is a little humor. That’s why we’ve created a list of 50 silly golf puns and jokes you need to hear.
50 Golf Puns and Jokes
1. Why did God invent golf?
To punish people who retire early.
2. Why do golfers always carry two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
3. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it’s always possible to get worse.
4. What are the three ways to improve your golf game?
Take lessons, practice constantly… or start cheating.
5. I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
6. Why do golf announcers whisper?
Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.
7. Why don’t golfers eat pizza?
Just in case they get a slice.
8. Golf: a 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
9. What scares a golfer the most?
The bogeyman.
10. What’s a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie they can get.
11. In primitive society, when people beat the ground with clubs and yelled it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it’s called golf.
12. What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
13. How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fore!
14. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
15. When is it too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
16. How are golf balls like eggs?
They’re both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.
17. Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
18. Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing!
19. What’s the difference between a whiff and a practice swing?
No one curses after a practice swing.
20. Did you hear about the two guys who met on a golf course?
They struck up a beautiful friend-chip.
21. You should always try before you buy, especially when buying a putter. Never buy a putter until you’ve seen how well you can throw it.
22. Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?
A golf course.
23. Golf brings out the 3-year-old in us – we struggle to count past 5.
24. Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play other sports.
25. Are you a scratch golfer?
I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where the heck it went.
26. Why is golf a lot like doing taxes?
You go for the green and end up in the hole.
27. If your opponent can’t remember if he shot a six or a seven on a hole, chances are he had an eight on it.
28. What does a golfer love to hear from his wife?
Talk birdie to me.
29. Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing.
30. The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is income taxes.
31. What should NASA do if it wants to find water on Mars?
Send a golfer there to hit a golf ball.
32. What did the sign above the golf club bar say?
“Don’t drink and drive. Don’t even putt.”
33. If you golf on an election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee-ballot.
34. What’s the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
When a golfer lies he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.
35. What do you call a really friendly golfer?
A social putterfly.
36. A player asked his golf coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”
The coach replied, “You’re standing too close to the ball even after you’ve hit it.”
37. What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-Get Me Nots
38. What do you call a primate that wins the Masters?
The chimpion!
39. What are the primary components of a golfer’s diet?
A lot of greens and water.
40. What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
41. What did the driver yell at the golf cart that cut him off?
Kiss my putt!
42. You made an 11 on a Par 3 hole? How the heck did that happen?
I chipped in from the rough.
43. Golfer: “I think I’ll go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddie: “I don’t think you’ll keep your head down long enough.”
44. It takes a serious amount of balls to play golf like me.
45. I shot one under at golf today.
One under a tree, one under a bush, and one under the water.
46. I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break!
47. The man who takes up golf to get his mind off work will soon take up work to get his mind off golf.
48. Golfer: “I would move heaven and earth to get a birdie today.”
Caddie: “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth today.”
49. There’s no game like golf.
You go out with three friends, play 18 holes, then come back with three enemies!
50. Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf?
On a golf corpse.
15 Celebrity Golf Jokes and One-Liners
1. “If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron because not even God can hit a 1-iron” – Lee Trevino
2. “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” – Mark Twain
3. “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer
4. “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” – Hank Aaron
5. “Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.” – Jack Benny
6. “If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.” – Sam Snead
7. “Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” – Gary Player
8. “I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose.” – Gerald Ford
9. “Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.” – Harvey Penick
10. “I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.” – Ben Hogan
11. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” – Henry Youngman
12. “We learn so many things from golf – how to suffer, for instance.” – Bruce Lansky
13. “I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.” – Arnold Palmer
14. “If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.” – Tommy Bolt
15. “Pressure is when you play $5 a hole with only $2 in your pocket.” – Lee Trevino
Long Golf Jokes
The Funeral
Two golfers are about to tee off on the 11th hole when a funeral procession passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the procession passes.
“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”
“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A Long Drive
After hearing the old guys talking about their game, a golfer went to the pro and asked, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
The Farmer
A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset and sought out the farmer.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
Conclusion
We hope you at least got a few laughs out of these silly golf puns and jokes. The next time you’re having a bad round, you can think back to some of them.
You never know, having a silly laugh might just get your game back on track!
